we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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