do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
