shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
