I just gift wrapped bread.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
