No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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