Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
