no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
