I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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