I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
