Got a toothbrush?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
