I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
