so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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