My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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