new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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