I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
