she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
