do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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