he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
