Banned from zoo.
Again?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
