i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
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