I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
