I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
