I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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