I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
