Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
