Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
