i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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