I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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