i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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