Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i need to put some appletini on your dick
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
