1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm at about main and main street
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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