I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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