im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
