At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
