My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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