my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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