i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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