Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
