Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
