I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
