Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
