exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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