Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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