Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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