Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
