I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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