I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
