I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
