the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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