I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
