my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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