there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
